Relationships & Marriage

With Gay Marriage and other relationship issues being so much on the fore front of discussion in churches and politics recently, I would like to share a little about my relationships.

As a teen and young adult trying to fit in, I would date girls and even get pretty serious. I didn't marry at that time mostly because I thought that I should wait until I had finished College and was established in a career. I think that may have been a sub-concious excuse. I even had sex with some of the girls that I dated. *gasp*

Before I finished college, and before I began my ministerial journey I realized that the "same sex attraction" thing was not a "phase I was going through". I am thankful that I never married as it would have been exceedingly unfair to the girl that I married.

About 5 months after I resigned from my pastorate, I met a man that has played a very important part in my life. We had a Holy Union on July 7, 1995. The service was conducted by the pastor of the local MCC. Many of the people in attendance were from the United Methodist Church we attended, including the pastors family. My parents were present as well. Unfortunately, none of his family was there as they were, and most still are fundamentalists.

We were together for over 9 years. Most of our relationship was not much different than your average heterosexual relationship. We got up, had breakfast, went to work or did housework etc. We came home, fixed supper & ate, watched TV and went to bed together. We were the Tenor section of our Chior, so if we went on a trip together, there wasn't a tenor section. Saturdays, we sat around the house, visited family or friends, went to a park or the zoo. We walked our dogs and did all the other things that normal families do.

There were plenty of ups and downs. Sometimes the bills got a little overwhelming. Sometimes our familys took up more time and we didn't have much time for each other. Sometimes we just were out of sync. We also had lots of great times.

When I look at our relationship and those of my heterosexual friends, I do not see much of a difference. We have been seperated for about 18 months, and what caused this rift are much the same as what causes the same in heterosexual relationships.
Some of it was miscommunication, a lot of it was outside circumstances beyond our controll.

From http://www.divorcereform.org/cau.html some of the main causes of divorce are:
Poor communication
Financial problems
A lack of commitment to the marriage
A dramatic change in priorities
Infidelity

and less commen are: Failed expectations or unmet needs, Addictions and substance abuse, Physical, sexual or emotional abuse, Lack of conflict resolution skills.

There were a few of these that overwhelmed us.

We never ceased contact, and attempted to remain civil even during the most difficult period. We are now seeing each other and dateing. I do not know if we will acheive full reconciliation or not.

I do know that gay or straight, the emotional needs are very similiar.

Our parting was more like that of a co-habitating straight couple. There weren't the legal hassles of divorce, we had to hammer everything out between us.

I don't ever see anything in the arguements against same sex marriage about the responsibilities of marriage. I firmly believe that some gay relationships would be more stable with that protection. I definately know that property distribution would be more fair in many instances.

I do not know if a legal marriage would change anything about how our relationship progressed or not. I do very firmly believe that we should have at least have had the opportunity to have had a legal civil marriage.